I gaze out at a perfect summer day; saphire-blue water sparkles under a sky of robin-egg blue while the breeze flutters new-green leaves on the branches of the trees that line the pier.
I, however, sit in the recliner coddled in my warmer blanket wearing my CPAP mask even though I am awake. I woke this morning with a temperature of 93.9, just shy of hypothermia, and oxygen saturation of 88% because my machine stopped in the night.
I try to read the scriptures of the day, but my mind whirls with what if's and self-blame. I wonder what earthly use I am. I think of how might better serve God, discarding one plan after another as being what I can't fulfil. I plan to tithe more money to just causes, be more generous with those I meet.
In the vortex of this maelstrom of self-condemnation intrudes the reasonable voice of my best friend and spiritual partner. "Cathie, you don't have to bribe me to come and visit you by offering me food and drink. I come to see you and you are enough."
One of the stages of grief is bargaining; offering a Higher Power good works in exchange for reversing or ameliorating the event in our life that is causing us such pain. The dark side of this belief is that the Higher Power has visited this affliction on us because we have not been good enough.
But I am good enough. The Bible says in Romans 5:8 " But God demonstrates His own love toward us, in that while we were yet sinners, Christ died for us."
I have been trying to prove myself worthy, but truly, I cannot earn my own salvation. But there is Good News! I am loved and accepted just as I am, where I am and how I am. I have no need to bribe God because Jesus already loves me enough to have died for me.
We are not called to have a tomorrow faith or a yesterday regret, but to live with gratitude and joy in the moments of today, for in these moments God-incidents happen.
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