I feel victimized by my body. Despite restricting my food intake to near-starvation rations, I now weigh one hundred pounds more than my 'normal' weight. For me, normal is a weight at which my body feels good and functions in a way that I am comfortable with. So my steady increase in weight since July 2015 despite further restriction of food intake leaves me feeling frightened, frustrated and helpless.
However, I have come to realize that my body feels victimized, too. Like an abusive parent, I never speak to my body but to criticize. I refuse it the fuel it needs to function and then drive it on with long days filled with too many tasks. When my body in the throws of neuropathy, twitches, itches and jumps, I slap, kick, pinch, bite, scratch, freeze and burn my body to stop the awful sensations. Unable to sleep at night, I force my body into days filled with activity and refuse it the naps it craves.
Add to all this the constant, relentless grinding stress associated with life, and it is no wonder I feel victimized.
Since I cannot exist without my body, I must learn to extend to it the same kindness and courtesy I show my family and friends. I would not treat my worst enemy the way I have treated my body, and though this abuse is a deeply ingrained habit, I will learn day by day to parent myself back to a healthy place.
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